My daughter went to a wonderful preschool that had a slogan on its brochure: Value the Child. I liked the sound of that, but it took me time to realize what it meant. It didn’t mean what I thought at the beginning. I’m not sure how many other parents ever got the gist of it. To them, the value might have represented the bazillion dollars we spent on the monthly tuition. We already valued our children so much that we wanted them to have the best, and the most, and the first, and the highest.
In other words, we didn’t value our children at all.
When I say that my daughter went to the preschool I really mean that I went to the preschool, because I did, for part of every day. Gradually, I learned what the devoted, loving and talented teachers were showing me: what it means to value someone else.
It doesn’t mean to prize.
Not to elevate.
Not to demean.
Not to impose.
Not to judge.
Not to expect.
Not to push.
Not to accelerate.
Not to withdraw.
Not to give up.
Not to coddle.
Not to do things for them.
Not to do things to them.
Not to do things instead of them.
Not to do.
To value a child is to value them as they are. To support them where they are.
To show them the immeasurable and eternal value of love. It never stops growing.
Thanks for these insightful words. Your work inspires me so much and I am thankful and grateful everyday to read the words you write and to keep them in my consciousness as I go through my day.
Comment by Barbara Halabi — February 17, 2010 @ 9:36 pm
Thank you for consistently reminding me that I don’t have to try so hard. That things really are that simple and I can just let them be them and let me be me without trying anything at all. Love ya.
Comment by Mrs. B. Roth — February 17, 2010 @ 11:51 pm
Strikes me that this list applies just as well to valuing anyone in our lives. And it rings as true as anything I’ve ever read. Thank you.
Comment by Lindsey — February 17, 2010 @ 11:59 pm
A nice reminder….Thank you, Karen
Phew. And then, somehow, I have to find a way to forgive myself when I DO do any of those things.
Comment by Meg — February 18, 2010 @ 12:37 am
I was blessed to work with and learn from an amazing early childhood education teacher who was trained at Pacific Oaks College. So much of who I am and how I parent comes from what I learned from her. I can only imagine how wonderful their school is. Neat!
Comment by lisa nelson — February 18, 2010 @ 12:50 am
This post is a good touchstone, here in the middle of winter break with my twins at home from their own wonderful preschool. But soon, this fall, they’ll be moving on to kindergarten, in a public school, and I’m not sure I’m ready to graduate from preschool!
Comment by J, Connecticut — February 18, 2010 @ 1:43 am
We stayed an extra year at preschool and then buoyantly moved onto public kindergarten.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — February 18, 2010 @ 2:02 am
indeed!
well said, as always.
xo
Comment by wendy — February 18, 2010 @ 1:36 pm
Thank you for the beautiful reminder!
Comment by Tonia — February 18, 2010 @ 11:09 pm
I believe this to my very bones. You put it so eloquently. Thanks!
Comment by Jodi — February 19, 2010 @ 11:02 pm
Amen. And hello again.
xo
Comment by Mika — February 20, 2010 @ 12:26 am
three times hello, Mika. Three times.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — February 20, 2010 @ 12:36 am
Happy Housewarming. A beautiful new home indeed!
Comment by Kaishu — February 20, 2010 @ 3:00 pm
Dear Karen, Thank you again for the gift of your gentle wisdom. Now that my children are grown, are following their own paths and have children of their own, I am kept in touch with each and every point on your list by my beautiful 4 legged canine companion! Animals too can keep us in touch with our deepest and most noble values and they deserve the same love and respect we offer our human companions.
Comment by Penny — February 20, 2010 @ 10:19 pm
“And then, somehow, I have to find a way to forgive myself when I DO do any of those things.”
I know all the things I should be doing to value my 6.5 year old son and I try my hardest, I truly do.
It’s just when I do something that does devalue him out of my frustation, exhaustion, lack of understanding, etc, etc… finding that forgiveness, or dealing with that guilt, is difficult and painful.
Comment by Heather — February 21, 2010 @ 2:34 am
I understand, but that’s not valuing yourself. Don’t immerse yourself in rumination about past failures, even if the past is only a moment ago. It’s over. Be done, and start anew. It only takes an instant. Your child will show you how to let go.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — February 21, 2010 @ 2:48 am
I found this because of your current piece in Shambala Sun Magazine. I want to say a big teary thank you for both lists. I began the journey of mindfulnes and now meditation significantly because I wanted to transform my parenting and truly day by day and bit by bit so much has opened up. I still wish anyway that I would have found such a resource July 25, 2001 because I empathize profoundly with the author of comment 14.
Comment by Donna Kiel — February 21, 2010 @ 3:32 am
i also empathize PROFOUNDLY with the author of comment 14, as I too find it difficult to let go after “de-valuing” my 5 yo dgtr. I am haunted by the thought that all my mistakes will follow her (and I)into her adulthood. I am so trying to practice mindfulness…. it’s so hard
Comment by Bonnie — February 21, 2010 @ 1:14 pm
Thoughts haunt. Let them go, and you’re awake again.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — February 21, 2010 @ 2:28 pm
I wholeheartedly agree with your list but I can’t help but wonder how school is going to fit in with it, esp. once you get past the early years. Most schools live by rules that are the opposite of that list, no matter how progressive they appear to be or even try to be. They have to in order to survive economically, logistically, realistically.
I am curious what happens when the push, the expectations, the judging, the demeaning – all that stuff – comes from the school and the school community. What then?
Ok, I confess that my question is a bit of a set-up. I like to believe we (my family) have chosen a version of education that actually follows your rules – unschooling. I simply haven’t found a school yet that really, genuinely, respects the children they propose to educate, let alone gets near your list in any real way.
But, as a fan of your work, I am more than curious to hear what you think!
Comment by Robyn — February 21, 2010 @ 11:20 pm
Robyn,
These are not my rules for anyone or anyplace except for me to live by. In other words, the world doesn’t meet these standards or any other that I place on it. This doesn’t equate to a list of prerequisites for my judgment, but a list of prerequisites whereby I release my judgment.
My daughter goes to a school that tests and measures against standards and competitions I do not like. Frankly, my aversion to it is far more troublesome than my daughter’s. She doesn’t have any notions of how it should be. She accepts things as they are. So what I use as my guide is these two sentences: To value a child is to value them as they are. To support them where they are. My job, which is the only job I can do, or do better, is just this. If she needs advocacy, I give it. If she needs independence, I give it. If she needs nothing except to do her own as best as she can, and for me to accept it, I do it. It’s always clear who is having the harder time: me or her.
This is the world we live in. It is her world. Sometimes I want to make a world out of her home. She, on the other hand, wants to make a home out of her world. That demands more of me, and I practice to support her where she is.
Comment by Karen Maezen Miller — February 22, 2010 @ 12:15 am
Perhaps the most profound words on parenting after Kahlil Gibran’s in The Prophet. Thanks for sharing. I’ve enjoyed this and all your previous posts.
Comment by Jaya — February 23, 2010 @ 1:50 am
[...] I read The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, I understand it a bit more. Such profound words! Recently, this beautiful post by Karen Maezen Miller reminded me of these words on parenting by Kahlil Gibran: Your children are [...]
Pingback by Kahlil Gibran « What Little Boys Do? — February 23, 2010 @ 2:23 am
As a writer and as a mother of a daughter in preschool, I just loved this post. Thrilled to have found your writing via the lovely Lindsey @ A Design So Vast.
I look forward to your forthcoming book! (Mine debuts in May and I am a rookie.)
Comment by Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities — February 23, 2010 @ 12:59 pm
I think the ability to value our children in this way has to start (in many ways) with learning how to value ourselves this way. I look at your list (which I copied and printed out to add to my inspiration board, by the way!) and I see how many ways I do not value myself… I am reminded of all the times I push myself to reach farther because what I am now couldn’t possibly be enough… the times I belittle myself because I expect so much of me… the times I judge myself for all the (self-imposed) expectations I can’t seem to fulfill… and how much guilt I carry at times from these things that make me want to give up and shut down…
Thanks Karen, for the excellent reminder.
Comment by Shauntelle — March 5, 2010 @ 2:17 pm
Just what I needed to hear tonight!
Comment by Melinda — September 8, 2011 @ 9:06 pm